Interracial Marriages

Marriage is one of the most important, if not the most important, decision in one’s life. How are you supposed to know whether someone is ‘The One’? Or whether you are simply blinded by looks, akhlaq (manners), status in society, wealth?

That can be a tough question. A potential spouse cannot be compared to a suit or the new iPhone out in stores. You can’t choose a partner and then return him/her if you see that you two do not get along very well. Although divorce is a permissible, yet disliked, option, let’s hope that we don’t marry with the thought that if anything goes wrong, there’s always divorce.

In Islam, we are all equal to one another except for those who have a high degree of taqwa (faith in Allah). As such, a man should not discriminate against a potential spouse because she is from a different country and ethnic background, has fewer (or a greater number of) degrees than him, or if she is not as beautiful o wealthy as he wishes her to be. There is a hadith which states, ‘A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty, and her religion, so you should marry the religious woman otherwise you will be losers.’

We should not be preoccupied with how a person looks. Or how much money he/she makes per month. Of course beauty is important as you must be able to feel some sort of attraction to your partner. Wealth is equally as important since you must be able to spend on your family and pay zakat. However, deen still comes first and should be of the utmost importance when choosing a spouse. Beauty wanes, money comes and goes (and ultimately runs out). A good person’s character gets richer by the day.

There may be a sister who abides by the deen, exhibits good akhlaq, has a good education, and is beautiful too. The only problem? She doesn’t come from the same cultural background. Now what? Allah says in the Qur’an, ‘Oh mankind! We created you from a single pair of a male and a female and made you into nations and tribes that you may know each other, not that you may despise each other. Verily the most honored of you in the sight of Allah is he who is the most righteous of you. And Allah has full knowledge and is well acquainted with all things.’ (49:13)

Therefore, it’s clear that cultural and ethnic differences should not stop us from marrying a partner of our choice. Allah does not care if a brother marries a sister of the same race or a different race so long as we strive to keep each other on the right path. He will judge us for what is in our hearts, not what we look like. Nevertheless, we should be realistic about interracial marriage and its consequences.

Cultural differences are perhaps the number one reason why some people are afraid of marrying someone outside of their culture. Many questions surround the situation. What language will we speak? Maybe English, but what about his father or her mother who do not understand a word of it? What sort of food will we eat? Which customs will we incorporate into our wedding? Which culture will our children marry into: his or mine?

The list goes on. The point is that interracial marriages can be very complicated. Then again, they can also be as simple as you make them. The husband and wife can teach one another their respective languages. Though it is not an overnight solution, it is possible. And if they share a common language at first, then they can speak in that particular language. Language is nothing but a means of communication. Children can be taught both their father’s language and their mother’s language as children’s minds are like sponges, ready to absorb any language. In fact, bilingual children are often considered to have an advantage over peers who only speak one language. Anything is possible as long as the couple and their families are willing to cooperate with one another.

If a sister or brother is a pious Muslim, then there shouldn’t be any problems insha’Allah. Would rather have a wife from the same culture who is rude and disrespectful? Who doesn’t pay enough attention to her deen? Or would rather have a wife who puts her deen first? Who is caring and could never disrespect someone?

On another note, it seems that people are either fascinated by, scared of, or simply curious about interracial marriages. It isn’t unusual for people to stare at interracial couples as though they have five heads and just arrived from Jupiter. Such couples must learn to adapt to the attention. Sometimes people may think to themselves (or even approach a member of an interracial couple and ask), ‘Couldn’t she find a person within her culture? Is that why she degraded herself by marrying a so-and-so?’ People can be inconsiderate at times but that does not mean one should disregard a potential spouse.

Some of us are blessed with parents who have knowledge and understanding of the deen. The rest of us however are not so fortunate. There are some parents who stick with the old ideology that one should marry within the race as opposed to ruining their ‘pure’ so-and-so bloodline. This sounds more like Hitler’s genocidal logic than anything; he didn’t the ‘superior’ ethnicity to be lowered through marriage to someone of an ‘inferior’ culture. We should bring to attention Qur’anic verses and hadiths regarding the believers’ equality before Allah and how only one’s level of deen will matter on the Day of Judgment. Neither our skin color nor our superstitious manmade customs, ideologies, and ‘status’ in society will matter.

Of course it is sometimes understandable for parents to prefer their children to marry someone within their culture. While Islam should always come before culture, culture can deeply pervade the lives of many. And then there are issues such as language, which are closely tied to culture. His mother or her father may not be comfortable with someone who doesn’t speak their language, or they might not be comfortable speaking the language he/she does. However, as it has been mentioned already, language is not always important and is something people can learn so long as they are willing. The same can be said of most aspects of culture. So long as he/she is adaptable and respectful, there shouldn’t be a problem.

Many parents, though aware of the deen, will not allow their children to marry outside of their race for fear of what society, family, and the neighbors will think. But here are some questions for such parents to consider:

1. Do you live your life for yourself or to please others? Is your life only a façade, such as a staged play, in which your family members’ every action is controlled?

2. Have you forgotten the purpose of your life? Allah subhana wa ta'ala states, ‘I have only created jinns and humans to worship Me.’ (51:56) That is the purpose of our lives. Marriage is a blessing. It is half our deen as our partners help us stay on the right path. Who cares if your child’s spouse isn’t from the same culture?

3. In the end, does your child’s happiness matter to you? Or are your desires of having him/her marry within your race merely to please society?

Never turn down a potential spouse because of something like ethnicity or even the person’s profession. Deen is the most important factor to consider when thinking of marriage, not a potential spouse’s ethnicity or culture. I myself have experienced being turned down simply because I was white. It’s not a good feeling to find a promising brother only to be told no simply because of something I have no control over. Even more depressing is being told no because of what his parents sat, not how he feels. Should not my deen and piety be far more important than the fact that I’m a white American?