While my uncle and his family were visiting at the beginning of July, I had a chance to spend some time with his wife at the local mall. Now, I barely know this aunt thanks to my parents’ nasty divorce that separated me from my father’s family for seven years. Plus, my uncle is in the military and has always lived far away: California, Maryland, and even Japan. I can count on one hand probably the number of time I’ve met her, all except this recent visit occurring before the age of 10. And I was always very reserved with strangers as a young child.
Anyway, she happens to have studied Persian (Farsi) at the university level. Whether she has a degree in it or not, I have no idea. The point is it’s impossible to study a language and not find yourself becoming involved in the culture and religion as well. Of course Iran is an Islamic Republic, and 98% of the population is Muslim. My aunt has probably run into the topic of Islam a lot. She certainly had plenty of questions for me as we drove along to the mall and then wandered the maze of shops and restaurants.
One subject she was curious about was divorce. She, like probably most unknowledgeable non-Muslims, was under the impression divorce is easy in Islam. The husband simply has to say ‘You’re divorced’ (‘Talaq’ in Arabic I believe) three times and then he’s washed his hands of her.
But I don’t think this can be any further from the truth.
It is true that the man simply says ‘You’re divorced’ three times to end the marriage. However, the rules and regulations regarding divorce can make it messy.
There are even conditions that must be met prior to utterance of the words that lead to divorce. First, divorce can’t be pronounced while a woman is experiencing her menses. I’m not entirely sure why this is, but one explanation I’ve heard is that it ensures the cause of the husband pronouncing divorce is not the product of behavioral changes in the wife brought on by premenstrual syndrome. Many women suffer mood swings and become cranky prior to their menstrual cycle. The biological changes their bodies undergo prior to the start of menses causes the psychological changes present with PMS. I’m not sure if this is an actual reason, though it does make sense. But Allah knows best…and I’m sure a scholar could give a definitive answer.
Another condition that must be met prior to proceeding with divorce is that it can’t be pronounced during a period between menses in which the couple has enjoined in sexual relations. Why is this? Well, if the man cared enough about his wife to become intimate with her then he needs to reflect about his decision more before continuing. He would have to wait until after his wife’s next menses end before saying the words that would end the marriage.
As for the actual pronunciation of divorce, it is considered invalid if the man was in such a rage that he didn’t realize what he was saying. This is based upon a statement given by the Prophet salallahu alayhi wassalam: ‘The divorce pronouncement is not valid at the time [mental] seizure.’
Then there’s the subject of ‘iddah, or waiting period. The ‘iddha is based on the menstrual cycle of the wife. Due to the complexity of the fiqh (understanding, comprehension, knowledge, and jurisprudence) of menstruation, this isn’t always straightforward. For those whose cycle is regular and ‘normal,’ then there isn’t a problem. But for those whose cycle is off, who experience long periods between menses, or who just generally have problems with determining what is menstrual blood and what isn’t, it can become a headache.
Thankfully most women have normal cycles. For them, a divorce would come into effect only when they’ve had three subsequent menstrual cycles. The first cycle is to insure that she is not pregnant while the second two are further opportunities to possibly reconsider and reconcile. Unlike what is common among the Muslims of today, she not supposed to leave her home during this period.
If the wife happens to be pregnant at the time divorce is initiated, the waiting period ends when she has delivered. This gives the maximum amount of time for reconsideration and reconciliation in order for the welfare and wellbeing of the child to be reflected upon.
It is true that divorce proceedings are somewhat easier in Islam that they are in many Western countries. The theory here is that marriage in Islam is primarily a contract and not a sacrament as originally perceived in the West. Contracts are easier to break that sacraments. In fact, it used to be thought that marriage was a sacrament thought to be unbearable, and remains such in the Catholic Church.
However, while it may be easier than a typical Western divorce, it’s important to point out that it isn’t as easy as just saying a phrase three times. The completion of divorce can take from three months to nine months. This time period prevents any shotgun decisions that have very long-term consequences. The prior conditions offer the same prevention.
The rules of Islam contain great wisdom. If divorce were so easy, many more couples would find their marriages dissolved due to impulse. At least in Islam, the couple has a chance to reflect and consider if they truly believe a divorce is right for them.
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